Vara’s Memory

Vara sits at a bench in the park with her long brown highlighted with blonde hair blowing swiftly from the heavy breeze. She starts to have flashbacks again of a distant memory. The memory was deeply buried but lately she’s consumed by it. She thinks about where she’s at in her life now at the early age of twenty-two. Her new boyfriend wonders why she shakes when he kisses her full red lips. He wonders why she backs away when he tries to pull her in close for a long hug. Who would want to stick around and deal with all that awkwardness she thought to herself.  Staring at the glistening lake she wishes she was as peaceful as the ducks swimming in circles.

What eight-year-old can defend their self against the unknown?  She didn’t try to stop him because she was unaware. She would have screamed if she had known the later damage. A quick touch caused her to feel low about herself so many years later. Who knew a small caressing could make her look back and feel embarrassment. As the years went by the memory never resonated until the recent relationship she was in was getting serious. No one had the right to touch me there she thought. Caressing a body part, she was yet to identify by name at the time. Looking back the moment seemed so insignificant. Having no idea, a moment would affect her psyche as an adult. Who knew it would cause her to see herself as unclean and less innocent. Even though she had made it to twenty-two only kissing a guy.  She hung on to her virginity like a child gripping their mothers hand while crossing a busy street. It belonged to her and she wasn’t going to let just anyone strip her of it.

She was sitting by the pond but her body and mind was not present. It was fixated on the past the past that cannot be changed. Disgusted by her womanly figure and unable to share it with a man. She despised her body because she felt it had betrayed her. She wonders if she’ll ever get over her lack of trust.  She wondered if she would ever feel clean and secure within her spirit. She’s trying to forget the past but she feels nothing but pain. At twenty-two she just knew she must be weak because a memory shouldn’t cause her such strife. She didn’t know how to face the past instead she suppressed it. Her boyfriend was getting tired of her pushing him away. Every time he tried to show her affection she deterred him. Would she ever be able to let him into her world a world filled with not being able to trust?

Since a child, she felt filthy like nothing would cleanse her body. She sabotaged every relationship she could have had because she figured who really wanted her. She thought she was not perfect enough for a man to give her his all. She wanted to be free of any imperfections and instead of going into a relationship and letting it flow with passion she would start acting like she was in some romantic play acting out a skit. She did not know how to give herself openly to a guy. She desires to be freed from the dark place and to see the light. If she cannot accept herself how will she be able to accept someone else enough to be in a relationship. She thinks to herself I should focus on the here now and let go.  But the agony of letting go and accepting herself left her with buzzing bees in her stomach.

As she gets up from the park bench she sees a child happy and vibrant she stares and hopes they stay that way. She hopes the child never experiences the shame that lives inside of her and festers. She hopes they never look in the mirror and are disgusted by their own image. Her healing process has just begun but she knows she’ll get through this because she knows that healing is her choice and once she decides she can she will.